It felt like my fingers couldn’t move.

Like my knuckles and joints had vanished, replaced by stiff wooden boards jammed into my hands.

Like every key I pressed on the keyboard was mechanical, controlled, rigid, and confined.

It was an obsession. This story had to flow from my fingertips onto the blank WordPress document flawlessly, with perfect diction, syntax, grammar, and spelling. It had to emerge fully formed on the first try. No room for errors. No space for growth, or process. It wasn’t only in writing that I adopted this mindset. I began to believe that I had to enter the classroom a fully realized, polished, perfect student, and human being.

Not to mention, if my stories weren’t perfect on the first try or I made a mistake in class, there was no point in trying at all. It began to affect my self image. Entering The Oracle, I felt confident in my ability to write and tell stories, but if I made a mistake or took too long, I would doubt the love and confidence that I had in writing. Writing was no longer about expression or joy, but it became about perfection and a fear of falling short.

For months and months this struggle went on between English and Oracle. In hindsight, I look at this time as my journey to becoming the writer and collaborator I am today; however, in the moment, it was brutal. Perfection over process became my silent motto whenever I wrote. There was no time to waste on growth, and no patience for the suspense of not knowing where the story would lead. The uncertainty and discomfort all felt like a trap I had to avoid. This narrow mindset made every blank page harder to face.

It wasn’t until my Big Story in 10th grade that I began to embrace and fall in love with the process. I quite can’t put my finger on why this story was the turning point. Maybe it was the light hearted nature of the piece; maybe it was my genuine curiosity for the topic; or maybe I was just finally maturing. Regardless, I had spent weeks conducting interviews, research, and even playing Pickleball myself. I was all in.

After school one day, I sat down to write the piece and began to panic. Stiff fingers. I took a deep breath and started to outline in a Google Doc but it didn’t feel like enough. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw some Post-Its — green, yellow, pink, you name it. I had an idea: What if I put each part of my story on a Post-It and the workshop the story on my wall?

After writing on each one, I spent hours toying with different ideas on how to begin the piece, how to end it, and how to introduce my sources. The story went from imperfect ideas on a wall, to a strong (not perfect) outline. More than this, my attitude went from worrying about perfection, to finally understanding that process and growth is the point.

Embracing the process taught me that my writing didn’t have to be flawless from the first word. It just had to be honest, curious, and alive. The process, made up of interviews, sticky notes, rewrites, even doubt, was the writing.

This past year as Multimedia Editor and now as Co-Editor-in-Chief, I carry that lesson with me every day. I’m better at giving feedback not because I know more, but because I enjoy the process of discovery. I care about shaping a story with someone, sitting in the uncertainty with them, and seeing where the work wants to go. Being a better editor has come from enjoying the process, not trying to control it.

I will always be grateful that Oracle taught me to embrace the process. I’m grateful for every hard moment that cracked open new ways of thinking. I’m grateful for the chance to grow, try again, and write stories that aren’t perfect, but are deeply mine.